“I’ll stay,” I promised myself.
During this last quarter of the year, I somehow did sink into this humongous, yet deadly pit called writers’ block. For the longest time in my life, I used to imagine that failing to write is a choice. That people just wake up one day and decide that they wont be writing for the next couple of days, weeks, months…Well, that can be true, but for me, you guys know that I do write about emotions; my emotions; raw, unscathed. For the longest time, this platform has been the only escape I have had from this paper world with all its paper ingredients. Ultimately, the very world I was running away from caught up with me and corrupted me of the only space I had; my ability to write. From then, I felt like an observer; like suddenly i got transformed into this tiny, almost invisible creature that pays attention to every nitty-gritty aspect of everything else’s life but its’. I’ve had so much possible thought about anything i could possibly think about yet so little knowledge on how to articulate it. Suddenly, I had to draw back since I didn’t belong anywhere anymore. Even my mind didn’t feel like home anymore. My body; I felt like an intruder to it . I felt like I was allowing it to not feel like home, at least to me. My eyes; everything before it was gross. Dear self, am so sorry.
However, during the same period, I did read enough, and that’s a win for me. At least that’s what I tell myself. I did read enough to understand that I am a girl. That by being a girl, people tend to misjudge you. A LOT. And that’s okay because whose opinion is it anyways? That by being a girl, you are somehow equated to this puppet that barely knows about itself, its capabilities and the world that it lives in and all its hurt. All my life, I’ve always wanted to believe that people are good; that they were meant to be good. They may lead you on and make a fool out of you but at the end of the day, there is this tiny, almost nonexistent part of them that screams ‘good,’ and that’s the part I choose to live by. If you know me personally, then you know that as much as I am a staunch pessimist (which only applies to stuff about me and my entire existence Btw), I am this sweet, positive girl who believes that the world can be made a better place by choosing to see the good in everything. Now, on to this; I get a tattoo on my left rib area and suddenly my name is safest in everyone’s mouth. I show some little skin on some days and suddenly, am overly-sexualized. I cut my hair, and suddenly, I should love myself more. I become more available for you, and suddenly, I am easy. I skip classes to do some more important stuff and suddenly, I should be more concerned about my life. And all these can be tiring; crashing even, especially when am just trying to be me.
When one barely knows you yet all that descends from his dark, almost abandoned soul is pure negativity about your whole existence, then you have no option but to be silent because explaining oneself to such a vagrant soul is a waste of everything. You let him soothe his already pampered ego. ‘It is manly, let him go ahead and lie to himself,’ you tell yourself. You know, what we extend to others is quite a reflection of what we are on the inside. When we are full and enough on our own, our true intentions come out clean.Our main problem is that when we are fucked up, we want to build this numbness that harbors our lone, empty and hurting selves by trying to convince others that we are more of aliens than humans. And it can cause a snowball effect by getting transformed into how we relate to others, what we think of others and in how we treat others. Do you actually know how it feels like to talk and talk and talk but never at any given moment be able to get your point across? You don’t know. You don’t need to know. When you and I are black holes, you know that nothing can neither be replaced nor reclaimed; NOTHING. Not words; not thoughts; not facts; not even time. And even in times like these when I know that it could have been healthy for me to stay away, I promise to stay, but not to stay the same. You never got the last bit, did you?
______________the end ___________________
I love you guys so much. Stay true to yourself and never let anyone ever corrupt what is truly, really yours. Love and light, and Merry Christmas!!!